*I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.
*I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
*Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
*Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days the statue.
*Needing someone is like needing a parachute; if he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
*I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
*My reality check bounced.
*On the keyboard of life, always keep a finger on the Esc key.
*I don't suffer from stress-I'm a carrier...
*You'e slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
*Everybody is sombody else's weirdo...
*Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with their experience.
*Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
*I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
*I'm in shape, round is a shape...
*I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
*Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
*I always wanted to be somebody, but i should have been more specific.
*Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out of the window.
*Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anybody going faster is a maniac.
*You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is...
*The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
*A human being should be able to change s diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a dog, design a building, write a sonnet, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, solve equations, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, flight speedily, and die gallantly. Specialisation is for insects.
*I have six locks on my door all in a row. When i go out, i lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
*The statistics on sanity have shown that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three bet friends. If they are okay, then its you...
*Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a t-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
XD
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